56 Months: Feb 8, 2019

My father, my daughter and I – all born in February. Before her death it was my most joyful month. From the 2^nd to the 27^th, three generations celebrating made the gloom of winter sparkle. Then everything changed. In the early weeks and months after losing a child no one can convince you that you’ll ever feel joy again. Yet as February approached, inexplicably, from somewhere deep inside my soul, I became driven to find a way to feel joy. It took every bit of my strength to plan something big – a gratitude party, a tattoo, a trip to the other side of the world, a vow renewal. Each event would distract me from my grief and, for a brief period of time, fill me with joy. This is my fifth February without my daughter. This year I didn’t plan anything big.  For four years my family and friends indulged me by supporting my big plans. They held some of my grief so I could make room for the joy. This year I can just take a deep breath and know that they are all still here, holding my grief when I need it and even when I don’t.  Each of them is helping to make this February sparkle for me just by being in my life, and by celebrating my daughter and her ever-present spirit.